Hello! Welcome back to a stray installment of our occasional series, Someone Should Make a Game About. This week Alexis looks at the glory days of pop.
“Imagine [Jedward] coming up against All the Things She Said – it’s like David vs. Goliath if David lost,” — Cian Maher
In the third year of the pandemic, I hit upon, quite arguably, the greatest idea I’ve had in my life: a fantasy fighting league made up of your favorite 90s/00s pop bands. I’m not talking about a DDR-style or rhythm game that involves matching beats – I’m talking about a Blaseball-style league where you can draft t.A.t.U. to beat the living heck out of prime-era PJ and Duncan with power combos-based music video choreography. No, really, think about it, then think about it some more.
If you’ve watched enough S Club 7 videos – freeze-frame any of the group choreography segments and tell me that Tina’s movements aren’t a great analogue for Talim from Soulcalibur, or that Jo wouldn’t look incredible upside-down in a Voldo suit. Each band would come ready with a signature set of moves and gear per their music videos – East-17, for instance, would have an absurdly emo set involving power stances and a lot of proto-tutting handwork. Dance, especially choreographed group dance, is an art brimming with kinetic power and a sense of conflict (hello, very serious dance-fighting) – the manufactured boy/girl bands of our youth have committed more blood, sweat and tears to this endeavour than most of us ever will.